Squirrels Not Girls
by Merely Observing
Summary: The vegetarian vampire's guide to wooing your human mate without causing chaos, pain, heartache, war, and unnecessary angst What if Alice had seen all events of the Twilight series and with Jasper's help decided to write a self-help/manual for Edward?
1. Chapter 1

I was joking around with my husband and I started pitching this idea to him. He thought it was funny, so I decided to get the first chapter out of my brain. I will be working on it in the background, but I'm going to focus on finishing "Myself" first. Because I want this story to be light-hearted and fun any ideas of thought are welcome. I tend to lean to drama and angst, so I appreciate help. Thanks- Merely Observing.

**Squirrels Not Girls.**

**Summary: **The vegetarian vampire's guide to wooing your human mate (without causing chaos, pain, heartache, war, and unnecessary angst)After meeting Jasper there was two years before he and Alice joined the Cullen family. What happened in those two years?

Alice had a vision. A very detailed and exact vision. What if Alice had seen all the events in the Twilight series and with Jasper's help decided to write a self-help/manual for Edward.

**Introduction**

_Dear Edward, _

_Before Jasper and I joined the family I had a vision. This vision was completely unlike any I had ever had before. I saw our family years in the future. I saw you meeting your true mate. I know you have worried over the years that you did not have a mate, and I know how difficult it has been for you to live with all of the family alone. Forgive me for not telling you about your mate sooner, but I promise I had a reason. _

_Like I said this vision was unlike any I had ever had before. The amount of detail and insight I had was amazing. I saw you meeting your mate, but because of circumstances and your own personal feelings the road to happiness for you and your true love was rocky and filled with pain. After the vision Jasper and I spent weeks writing every detail of what I had seen. I must say it makes for a very interesting read. It is a very romantic story that perhaps, if we are able to change enough, I will let you read. Jasper and I debated over the best course of action to take. I'm sorry that we made this decision without your or any of the family's input, but we knew of your gift and did not want to accidentally send you on a path that would cause you to lose your mate completely._

_We finally decided that we would write you a step-by-step manual to help you and your mate find your happiness together without the drama I had foreseen. Both Jasper and I worked very hard not only to complete this book, but also Jasper has struggled non-stop for the last decade or so to perfect his control over his blood-lust so no one in the family will be a threat to your mate. _

_I know it seems like a lot of information, but I promise you if you follow these directions you will be so happy. I've seen it. _

_And now the time has come for you to read this book and begin to follow the path that will lead to your happiness. _

_I slipped this book into your bag today shortly before you went to Biology. Today your mate finally walked into your life. I'm sure you have figured out by now who she is. Yes, one Isabella "Bella" Swan is indeed your true vampire mate, your soul mate. You are going to be so happy together. Today, in the cafeteria when you first saw her you thought she was beautiful. Don't deny it, I've seen it remember. You thought "How can a normal human girl be so beautiful?" Even compared to all the "perfect" vampire women you have seen in your life she surpasses all. Don't be surprised. Of course she does. She is your mate. _

_Unfortunately your true mate was also born your singer. A person whose blood and natural scent is the most appealing thing in the world to one vampire. This complication is something you will rise above. Again I've seen it. It's true that you behavior today in Biology class was not the best first impression, but unfortunately early warnings could have changed fate. _

_You have five days before you will come back home, to Forks. Take this time to read the first two chapters of the book (and only the first two, I will know if you cheat Edward! Some things must happen for every thing to work out perfectly and you cannot know about them in advance.) and understand it. _

_The family misses you and we will be supportive of you in this journey. See you in five days._

_Love, _

_Alice_

As I dropped the book into my lap, the snow swirling around my body didn't even register to me. I had fled from my home and family in Forks, to our _cousins_ in Alaska after I meet **her**. When **she **sat next to me in that classroom the monster in me had roared to life. I spent the entire ninety minutes circling between plans of how quickly I could take out every person in the classroom to kill **her**, how I could sneak **her **away after class, and how I didn't want to disappoint my family and ruin the life we had just built in Forks. The moment the bell rang I had fled the classroom, fighting the monster in me to get as far from that **scent **as possible. For ninety years I have ran from very little, but I have never run from a small human girl. Until today. I locked myself in my car, blasting the most soothing music I could find. I just wanted the rest of my family to hurry so we could get home and I could get away!

By the time they had finally piled into the car, my tenuous hold was at the snapping point. It was all I could do to drive away and get back home. The farther from the school I got I realized my I stayed in Forks I would do something horrible. I would ruin the life of the **girl**, and ruin my family's current happiness. I had to get away. The moment I made my decision I heard Alice's thoughts.

'_Go Edward. Go to Denali. Everything is going to be fine. Take your school bag, and once you get there you will find help in a book at the bottom. We love you. Be safe."_

All I could do was nod, afraid if I opened my mouth to speak I would snap and turn in to the soulless monster I know I can become. The moment I stopped the car in our driveway I was running, my bag over my back. As fast as I could I had to get away from this place. It took a few hours to reach Denali, but the run had helped me calm my thoughts and the beast in my chest. The three wild cats I had drained on the trip had probably helped as well. After I spent a few hours with my cousins I decided I would look into my bag, and find whatever it was Alice said would help me. I traveled until I found an empty snow covered field sixty miles from my cousins home. In this frozen tundra there was nothing but snow and wild animals. I would be alone. When I reached into my bag I found a small black book. It looked like a journal from around the 1950's.

Alice's note in the front sent my thoughts flying again. How could they have hidden this for all these years? I was not angry with them. I know Alice and Jasper I have seen there thoughts, witnessed their love for each other and for the family, me included. They knew I couldn't control my gift and what I saw, how had they been able to keep this information to themselves?

But more importantly, my Mate. I have a Mate. Bella Swan is my Mate. The girl that I wanted to kill and drain dry is my Mate. I fell back on the ground, staring blankly at the cloud covered sky. The snow is falling heavily. When did it start snowing? I lay there with the book in my lap as snow fell upon my body. I wonder what it would feel like to lay here until the snow buried my body? It wouldn't melt my skin was as cold as the snow itself. It was an interesting idea, something I have yet to try. When you have eternity finding new and interesting things can be difficult.

I didn't want the book to be ruined by the wet snow. Alice and Jasper had obviously put a lot of effort into this, and… I want my happiness. I daily see and hear the love my family members share with their mates, and I want that for myself. Alice said that in her first vision, where there was pain, my Mate and I ended up together and happy. But that it caused problems. If I could change that vision, keep both my family and my Mate from pain I would do so.

My decision made, I sat up and reached for the book. I would follow Alice and Jasper's guide. As I lifted the book I saw below Alice's note Jasper had written to me.

_Edward, _

_Just remember, brother. Squirrels not girls. _

_Jasper_

Right. Wonderful advice. I could hear the sarcasm in my own head. Thanks, Jasper.

**End Introduction**


	2. Chapter 2

Note - I humbly apologize to all. Life moved on and changed. Today I was clearing out my favorites bar when I found my saved link to my account. It has been years, and I think my finished story is on a usb packed up among all my school things. I have no plans to dig it out and post the rest, I truly do not have the time or desire. So I am listing the story as complete, because from me it is. However, I am willing to see others create their own endings and play with the little area I carved out. I ask for respect of my work and to be informed. I think it would be wonderful to receive a link to a completed idea for the story and see what my initial idea could lead to. I have felt the true disappointment of a story you become invested in simply stopping and the justified anger, so I am sorry. However, I have read some amazing fics that were adopted and know that if nothing else there are numerous amazing and completed stories on this site.


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